Lilly Jay, the ex-wife of Ethan Slater, has opened up about the emotional fallout of her divorce from the actor and the challenges following his new relationship with Ariana Grande. Her candid reflections came through her recent essay titled "How Does My Divorce Make You Feel?" published by The Cut on December 19, 2024. Jay, who is also a clinical psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health, shares insight on the collision between her professional life and personal trauma.
Jay's narrative, woven with heart-wrenching honesty, captures the turmoil she faced as her marriage dissolved. “No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced, … but I really never thought I would get divorced,” she writes, highlighting the surprise and pain of her situation, particularly “especially not just after giving birth to my first child and especially not in the shadow of my husband’s new relationship with a celebrity” (Original quote from English: "No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced, ... but I really never thought I would get divorced. Especially not just after giving birth to my first child and especially not in the shadow of my husband’s new relationship with a celebrity.").
Reflecting on her marriage to Slater, Jay recalls moments of happiness but also hints at the growing distance between them during the stressful postpartum phase. Slater filed for divorce on July 26, 2023, one month shy of their son turning one. During this time, reports of Slater’s romance with Grande surfaced, exacerbated by the simultaneous promotion of Wicked, the film they starred together.
“Days with my son are sunny. Days when I can’t escape the promotion of a movie associated with the saddest days of my life are darker,” Jay noted, expressing the emotional conflict of mothering amid public scrutiny. The release of Wicked and its celebrations cast long shadows over her personal experiences, as she navigated the harsh realities of her marriage ending alongside the film's explosive publicity.
Jay emphasizes the idea of motherhood as both a joyful and challenging venture, describing how the experience has filled her hours yet left her grappling with complex emotions. She remarks, “Consumed by the magic and mundanity of new motherhood, I didn’t understand the growing distance between us,” which echoes her sentiments about moving to the U.K. with Slater early on to support his career. Which, unbeknownst to her, was creating fissures within their bond.
The couple, who were high school sweethearts and married for nearly five years, had their son amid the upheaval of their relationship. Jay expresses her devastation not only about the divorce but also how it seemed to overshadow the early days of her son’s life. “I have come to believe,” she pens, “that in the absence of the life I planned with my high school sweetheart, a lifetime of sweetness is waiting for me and my child.” This statement signifies her shift from despair to hope as she carves out a new identity beyond her marriage.
Despite the heartbreak, Jay hints at the resilience she is building through her experiences, aiming to use her struggles to resonate with her patients. “Maybe we can think about my messy not-so-personal life in this way: a dose of my own loss, rage, powerlessness, sadness helps me hold yours,” she reflects, attempting to turn her challenges and public loss of privacy, which has impacted her career, to edifying narratives and shared humanity.
The abrupt shift from relative anonymity as the partner of Slater to the public eye post-divorce has also taken its toll, affecting job opportunities and her practice. Jay highlights moments where offers disappeared without explanation amid tabloid speculations, and how her supposed personal struggles turned public have forced her to navigate this new terrain of vulnerability.
Her essay not only recounts her personal feelings but sheds light on the societal impacts of high-profile divorces, especially when children are involved. Jay and Slater, who fiercely love their son, navigate co-parenting and have maintained their bond with him. The bond they share is central to both of their focuses, even amid the emotional chaos surrounding them.
Jay concludes her essay with reflective wisdom, thinking on the personal growth her hardships may inspire. Her words strike with deep emotional intelligence, emphasizing the resilience people can find through pain. “Some of what you loved most about your partner was actually your own goodness reflected back to you; it’s yours to keep and carry forward,” she concludes, framing her narrative as one not just about loss but about strength, self-reflection, and the potential for healing.
The details surrounding Jay's essay and her poignant insights highlight the complex interplay between marriage, motherhood, and public perception, encapsulating her transition from wedded life to co-parenting amid the backdrop of celebrity and scrutiny.
