Allison Holker is bravely opening up about the struggles of her late husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, following his tragic death by suicide on December 13, 2022, at the age of 40. Her revelations not only shed light on the challenges Boss faced but also seek to bring awareness to mental health issues, particularly among those who seem to shine brightly on the outside.
Recently, Holker, 36, recounted one of the hardest days of her life—discovering her late husband's hidden addiction. After his passing, she found herself going through his belongings as she prepared for his funeral. During this difficult process, she came across what she described as a "cornucopia" of drugs, including mushrooms, pills, and various substances she had to research online. "I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral," Holker shared. "It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet... It was very alarming to me to learn there was so much happening, and I had no clue. It was scary to figure out, but it helped me process all he was going through and hiding, and the shame he must have felt about it." (Reported by People.)
Throughout their nine-year marriage, Holker believed she and Boss had been open about everything, including his marijuana use which he would partake in during private moments away from their children. "That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and I thought it was okay," Holker explained. She was surprised to learn just how much else he had hidden. After his death, she delved deep through Boss' journals and other personal writings, slowly piecing together his emotional turmoil and hidden pain.
What emerged from these introspective readings was nothing short of heart-wrenching. Not only did he allude to struggling with addiction, but he hinted at past traumas, including possible sexual abuse by a male figure during his childhood. "He was wrestling with so much inside himself," Holker said, highlighting how Boss tried to cope without burdening others. "He was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he loved everyone so much. He didn’t want other people to take on his pain." (Reported by People.)
Despite her feelings of betrayal upon discovering these dark secrets, Holker's perspective has gradually shifted to one of empathy and sadness. "Reading Stephen's journals and re-examining the books he had read helped me understand what he was struggling with and filled me with empathy for the pain he endured," she reflected. Her pain, now mingled with resolve, has inspired her to share these stories to help others facing similar issues.
Holker's upcoming memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light, is set to be released on February 4, 2025. She aims to utilize her personal narrative to educate and advocate for mental health awareness. "It became clear to me I needed to write this memoir not only for myself but for others who might feel isolated or alone after loss," she said. "It’s about how I’ve gone through so much but still see light at the end of the tunnel."
Through her advocacy and honesty, she hopes to inspire others to confront their struggles. Holker understands the importance of sharing stories, particularly those involving trauma and grief. "I don’t want people to read this and think I'm their therapist. I’m just sharing my story to show there’s hope even after experiencing the worst life has to offer," she said. "If sharing his story can help even one person step out of the shadows and ask for help, then his legacy will continue to shine." (Reported by People.)
The loss of Stephen Boss shocked many. Best known as the charismatic DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and celebrated for his performances on So You Think You Can Dance, his death left fans and loved ones grappling with unanswered questions and deep grief. Just prior to his suicide, Boss had displayed alarming signs of distress, culminating on December 12, 2022, when he checked himself in to an Oak Tree Inn less than a mile from his home. He left his phone on airplane mode and carried only a small bag. Staff who found him the next day reported he seemed calm upon checking in.
The subsequent investigation revealed Boss had died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, along with the discovery of a suicide note indicating he had been battling significant personal challenges. Holker emphasizes the necessity of discussing mental health openly and honestly and hopes to contribute to the dialogue around these issues.
Reflecting on her marriage, Holker feels both heartache and purpose. "It was really hard to put all the pieces together, but I hope to inspire others to confront their struggles, seeking help to overcome their shadows," she said. She feels determined to honor her husband's memory by encouraging others to talk openly about mental health and the importance of addressing pain instead of hiding it.
The difficult truths revealed through her exploration of Boss’s life have shaped Holker’s post-tragedy narrative, fueling her mission to advocate for mental health. "People often think those who shine the most are the strongest, but the reality is we all have our shadows," she noted. "You can’t have one without the other, and it’s important to acknowledge both sides as part of our life and healing process."
Allison Holker’s story is one of love, loss, resilience, and hope for the future. With her memoir, she hopes to provide solace to those facing similar issues, reassuring them, "You’re going to be okay." If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or substance abuse, help is available through various resources, including the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.